deep, dark waters
we must also dive in
Lately, I feel like a broken record. Life has been happening mostly inside the walls of my house, and that leads me to not have many new experiences with people, with the “outer world”, if you’d like to call it that. Everyone is busy doing something, each one of us walking at our own rhythms, and I sit here, unable to shake the thought that I am missing something.
Time seems to slow down, yet my hours pass so carelessly, like sand through my fingers. ‘What do you mean it’s already Saturday? I could swear it was Monday just yesterday!’ Just like that, days become weeks, and weeks are soon about to become a full month. It feels, slightly, as if I’m rotting and washing away, instead of gaining roots. Getting worse instead of better.
Writing weekly here became a purpose, but also something of a duty. I have a strange feeling that I should, that I can only show you a person that grows and learns, that becomes… better. Isn’t the point of this whole newsletter exactly that? To learn how to navigate the world, together, one step at the time?
People have told me in the past that I’m good at expressing my emotions, but when it comes to diving deep in my most miserable, lowest corners, I turn speechless. Feelings, for the most part, have always been like Rubik cubes — which I’ve never been particularly good at solving: every time I have one side figured out, I’ll turn the emotion around only to find out everything is still a mess, with various colours all over the place, the order all wrong and confusing.
So it feels like I’m wronging you, too, for not figuring out the right shade and hue of all these colours; I’m wronging myself for feeling lost or sad, and being my good, old pessimistic self, without finding a way out right away. For not letting go of my old ways as easily as I’d expect or hope, and not just for me — for us.
I’ve always been interested in how to get better, and it never crossed my mind before that to be in a place of constant progress means that I am rarely ever simply... being. If I am always getting better, does that mean that in any other state I am only getting worse?
Or am I just overthinking it? Who knows. For years, I’ve dreamt of what my life would be once school was truly over, yet no one ever warned me it could be this still, this riddled with doubt of what comes next, fear and a sixth sense that it won’t be satisfactory. As a student, I’ve longed for this kind of freedom, only to realise that I’ve lived through schedules, jumping from one September to the other, playing my part to the best of my abilities, and that that, too, in its own way, meant freedom.
Even today I am trying to follow the norm, searching and applying for jobs, going to interviews, sensing that there’s always some sort of reverse silver lining in each opportunity. Nothing fits like Cinderella’s glass slipper, and it makes me feel nervous. I don’t have any sort of professional experience, years to back my worth, or even a licence, something that, surprisingly, many technical jobs require nowadays. It seems there are only shortcomings, holes in my ways, and that I’m deep diving into deep, dark waters. Getting worse.
I’m here to tell you, after a small existencial crisis that sent me into a slight spiral, that, perhaps, just perhaps, I am not getting better any time soon, but I no longer believe any of us need to be in either end of the spectrum to exist and be worth of happiness, bliss, peace of mind, or whatever your heart most desires. To be able to breath without feeling guilt. The way I see it, if you spend your entire life chasing for something, like I have for what seems like forever, you’ll never be able to really enjoy it. The race was all you truly cared for, to the point you forgot to maybe slow down and enjoy the view for a bit, regardless of how far you were from the finish line or how you were not in your best, ideal self.
I’m here, stepping my foot on the hard, cold ground, and telling you, admitting to myself that living seems to require walking in that tightrope between a better place and a less pleasant one, that I might never get there, at the long wanted spot, and that that’s okay. I’m here to grant us the permission we probably were looking for to just try and live regardless.
Maybe start that book by reading its last chapter, or only the last line, like you’ve heard people trying but never had the courage to try it yourself. Or cut whatever breakfast you always have and switch it for a different taste. Lift your blinds and try to sit with your face towards the sun for at least 10 seconds. Watch that film you’ve been daydreaming about for so long, or the ones you forgot you had in your computer for so long that your excitement has dissipated to the thin air. Don’t let the mess, the fear, the confusion eat you alive and steal the present from you. It’s hard, but it’s living. Do it your way, in spite of the obstacles, physical or otherwise.
Thank you for reading delicate this week. I’m sorry if the past letters haven’t been very… concise. All I can assure you is that there was an effort. Here’s to hoping that we truly feel all of our efforts pushing us forward this week.
P.S: For the curious ones, the job interview went pretty well, but the position wasn’t what I expected, so I refused it. Head high, I’ll keep rowing my boat.
~ DELICACIES OF THE WEEK ~
If you don’t choose, it’ll choose you. I adore Baron’s works, and this has to be one of my favourites that I’ve watched. He captures the mess that are our pretty little minds in its most perfect angles, and in less than 2 minutes!
These two (news)letters I’ve loved quite a lot recently: august slipped away and to: life.
This lovely Tiny Desk from Omar Apollo, who absolutely blew me away. The whole band was magnificent, and ‘Petrified’ stands out (if I close my eyes while I listen, it feels like I just entered Heaven). He is an incredibly soulful performer.
Alright, this is kind of a bonus: this collab was the best way Crush could’ve returned from his military enlistment. It oozes with that Silk Sonic charisma that makes you feel... groovy. Immediately added to my playlists.
SONGS OF THE WEEK: temple fair by phum viphurit, livewire by oh wonder and more than you know by fenne lily || delicate’s spotify playlist!