everything i know about soulmates (I),
plus friendships, relationships, and solitude
“‘We were just trying to collect stories for each other,’ she tells me now, whenever I question how we could all have such an infantile appetite for recklessness and such little self awareness. ‘That’s what we traded in. It wasn’t to show off to anyone else but each other.’”
Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton
I don’t know what you believe in, but there is this myth derived from East Asian folklore (if I’m not wrong) called the red string of fate. According to Wikipedia, it is said that ‘The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break.’. It’s something like soulmates. It’s quite romantic, thus I love it.
To me, whenever you are making a friend, you are building something like that. A thread from scratch. I don’t think soulmates are foretold, written in stone. I believe each friend, each lover we make, if they aren’t our soulmates, they’re part of our souls. It’s just like Michael said in ‘The Good Place’, one of my favourite series ever:
“If soulmates do exist, they’re not found, they’re made. People meet, they get a good feeling and they get to work to build a relationship.”
That’s what it is, that red thread. It’s not magical, or indestructible. This strand you build, we weave, is rather fragile. It’s delicate. It stands as a promise of hard work that is to be done by both parts, towards something shared. There’s this quote I saw on a video today, ‘small but definitive happiness’. That’s the end goal, the finish line.
When I was younger, all I dreamt about was being part of those big, funny groups of friends, like those you see in the movies, where each person was different and quirky yet fit like puzzle pieces. I dreamt of having as many friends as there are stars in the sky, to be well liked and a positive influence in people’s lives. I dreamt that I’d find someone that, like a river, could reflect everything that I am and have inside me.
It never occurred to me just how many threads there’d be in that scenario, just how much cotton you’d need, how much time it’d consume. If we really are all connected by invisible strings, aren’t they destined to get knots? Or get tangled? Or snap? Nothing’s forever, so, isn’t it possible to one day have a friend and in another day have an enemy? Or a stranger? Where do we even tie these strings? In the end of our pinkies? In our ribcages?
This is a bit vague and strangely poetic, so let me try extrapolating to clear the fog. Relationships are complicated, and friends aren’t just meant to be, as much as it might feel like it, as much as we might want them to be. The reality is always colder, harsher, winter-ish. Today is the day when I am insecure, far more than I usually realize. I am also resilient beyond knowledge, and there's a tendency to believe those two level each other out. My views are a bit bluer, and I can be prickly, like a cactus. The idea of soulmates lost its glisten when making friends became hard, or at least not half as easy as it was in the past.
Relationships are a lot about learning and memorizing, keeping it not exactly in your mind, but in your heart. Knowing that chocolate brand your friend can never resist, or the series they've been anticipating for months. Their favourite character, and the topic you must avoid at all times. That kind of stuff. The stuff of joy, and the stuff of sadness.
But it has never been easier to forget, to ignore. And it has never been harder to be vulnerable, open just enough to even let others know what you like or dislike in the first place. In this digital age, one single swipe can be all that distinguishes between forgetting and remembering. A click. One word. A gesture. An expression. Nowadays, everything feels more delicate. I realize just how much of me it takes to build an us. How much I have to give, so I can take. How much courage it takes to do… anything. Making friends lately feels like a gamble, one I’m bound to lose. Like a dance where each move goes wrong, a book in a different language from one I can understand.
I don’t know. Did it only get insanely difficult to let others in for me? It’s easier online, the risk seems smaller. Because we’re saving face, behind the shield of a screen, it feels like we have less to lose. Less time, less attention. Less me. The point I’m trying to reach is: making a friend takes effort, yet, as I grow older, I’ve started to question if that effort is worth it.
Solitude is a solace. It's not favourable because we don't live alone, we live in a society. We are, as Aristotle said, social animals. It's relationships that take you places, elevate statuses. It's through relationships that you survive, but these past few years have taught me that it is through aloneness that we live. It might be the other way around for you, which is fine. I never intend for any of my words to become law, these are just my own ways of seeing the world.
To me, it is just as important to be alone as it is to have friends by your side. To me, a significant detail about friendships that might be a hard pill to swallow is that you can’t be friends with everybody. And that perhaps you shouldn’t be. Not everyone will hold you when you ask or need, you won’t always feel comfortable around everyone you meet, and for some people you are not what they’re looking for.
Friendships, in that sense, are like trying on shoes: some you will eventually wear out, become your favourite pairs, go along in any occasion - but there are hundreds, thousands you could be wearing. Some aren’t your style, some just don’t fit your feet, some are great for that specific event but absolute hell in many others. At the end of the day, you only have two feet. There is only so much of you that you can give away.
It’s a bit on an utilitarianian view, but in its essence, you are supposed to feel comfortable with a friend. Safe. Respected. It takes a lot of responsibility when you put it that way, no? How do you, exactly, respect someone? I’ll explore this topic in another letter and dive a bit deeper into what friendships mean to me, and how I view them at this moment in my life.
As always, thank you for reading delicate, and I hope you found something worth your time :)
delicacies of the week
This week, someone put trees inside one of the metro stations I pass by. I could have never imagined that 3, 4 trees would make me feel so happy. We need more green in our lives. I hope they’ll be there for a long time.
Youra. She’s a South Korean indie artist that I’ve known for a couple of months and even mentioned before. Her music is really evocative, it makes time stand still. It’s an experience. Her newest song came out this week, it’s called ‘Best regards’.
In the theme of the red string of fate, it’s kind of obligatory to mention the movie “Your Name”. I was jaw struck when I watched it, and I’m not even a fan of anime. The storyline was so cool, and like nothing I had watched before. I really recommend it if you’re looking for a film to watch.
songs of this week: as a child by madeline the person, leaving home by cody fry and magnificent by oh wonder | delicate’s playlist